


things i didn't say

by realmsoffreedom



Series: gawsten oneshots [2]
Category: Waterparks (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Post-Break Up, this hurts a lot i'm really sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-31
Updated: 2017-12-31
Packaged: 2019-02-25 17:59:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13217964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/realmsoffreedom/pseuds/realmsoffreedom
Summary: It's been two weeks since Awsten left.It’s been two weeks of sitting in his apartment and staring at the empty half of the closet and biting through the skin of his lip and saturating himself with the memories.Geoff isn't okay.





	things i didn't say

**Author's Note:**

> so i got this prompt on tumblr and it was supposed to be a mini fic but i ended up with this monster of pain that's over 2100+ words and one of the most painful things i've ever written oh my god 
> 
> slight trigger warnings - panic attacks, mentions of suicide, mentions of depression

The breakup is still fresh.

It’s a raw wound that’s just barely begun to scab over, throbbing with the slightest touch as a reminder that _yes, you let the best thing that could’ve ever happened to you go. You had the world and you let him slip away and you may never get him back_. 

It was completely his fault. They weren’t doomed from the beginning. It could’ve worked. They could’ve been so happy. They could’ve spent their lives together. It was his fault they didn’t, chalked up to his inability to communicate and the constant, ‘ _oh, he knows I love him. I don’t need to keep saying it. He knows_.’ 

Awsten _didn’t_ know and _Geoff_ didn’t know that he was locked in a perpetual battle with his mind, with the ugly monster that sat perched at the base of his skull spitting abuse day in and day out. He didn’t know that Awsten had depression, that for every ‘I love you’ and ‘you’re important to me’ he didn’t say, Awsten heard ‘he doesn’t love you no one loves you no one will ever love you you’re a waste of space you don’t matter no one would care if you killed yourself especially not Geoff’. 

Awsten was the one who ended it, a tearstained piece of paper and a half-empty apartment being all that were left in the wake. ‘ _I love you so much but I don’t think you love me and I don’t think I can love enough for both of us. I’m sorry. You were the best thing that ever happened to me but I wasn’t that for you and maybe it makes me selfish but every single one of my relationships has been one-sided and I can’t carry anymore. I can’t love enough for both of us, I can’t give everything when you’re giving nothing; I can’t do it. I need to take care of myself. I need to put myself first. I hope you understand. I’ll always be love you but I can’t be in love with someone who’s not in love with me_.’

It’s been two weeks and the ache still weighs heavy in his chest, forming a pit in his stomach. Two weeks without Awsten’s brilliant smile and musical laughter and determination to make him smile on days that began so badly. He never had a bad night when they were together. Awsten was so good at it, so good at turning a terrible day into a wonderful night. Peppering him with kisses and breathing love into his skin and reminding him that bad days didn’t last forever and that he’d always have him. No matter what. Forever.

Geoff swallows. He turns the key in the fob to lock his apartment and sidesteps to lean against the wall, tilting his head back. The knot in his throat is throbbing, pumping pain throughout his body in the form of fresh tears. They burn at the corners of his eyes and he blinks with a soft whimper.

It’s been two weeks of sitting in his apartment and staring at the empty half of the closet and biting through the skin of his lip and saturating himself with the memories and coming to the heartbreaking realization that every night Awsten draped him in comfort must’ve ended badly for him. How many nights did Awsten spend professing his love until Geoff fell asleep, only to lie awake until morning with tears drying on his cheeks because that love would never be reciprocated? How many nights was Awsten acting happy and pulling out all the stops but _dying_ inside, swimming against a heavy current, letting himself drown if it meant Geoff stayed afloat?

It’s been two weeks of suffocation and he needs to get out, go _somewhere_ , leave his apartment and journey into the outside world because another moment spent cooped up inside those four walls just might be what kills him.

He pushes off the wall and makes his way downstairs and out of the lobby, drawing his coat further around himself as he steps into the bitter January air. This is how he’s starting off his new year and it seems fitting. Awsten left on December 31st so while everyone was waking up on January 1st nauseous and migraine-y from how much they drank, he was waking up in the same state, drunk off nothing but the memories and his flaws and how badly he fucked this up.

He shoves his hands in his pockets and stares down at his feet. He doesn’t look up until he realizes where they’ve carried him, until he finds himself outside the all-too familiar rundown building with the creaky door and paint chipping off the walls.

The music store.

Awsten lived here.

There wasn’t any room in the shitty apartment for a piano. Geoff would come home from work to it empty, walk the couple blocks to the music store, and find Awsten there, plinking away on one of the keyboards while singing a melody to himself. 

If he were a good boyfriend, if he were worth _anything_ , he would’ve stepped up behind Awsten and rested his hands on his waist and his chin in his shoulder and his lips on his cheek like one of those cute, cliché couples. But he wasn’t good and he wasn’t sappy and he wasn’t sweet so he would look through the transparent door, see that Awsten was there, and turn back to the apartment to watch TV or play Zelda, do anything that didn’t involve making it known that Awsten was his priority. 

He thought he knew.

He didn’t think he had to _say_ it.

He inhales and pulls open the door. The little bell chimes as he steps inside. He walks past the front desk and the guitars and violins, all the way to the back where the pianos are. 

Awsten’s favorite piano was in the very back, sitting against a window with a beautiful view of the city. He loved to sit here and play and write and watch the people outside, watch the sky change colors as sunhigh bled into sunset. 

He takes a seat on the bench and lifts the cover up. He reaches out to touch one of the keys and the noise it makes, the soft ‘plink’ has him squeezing his eyes shut and _trying_ , trying to swallow against the building lump in his throat, while the pain that’s housed there gets bigger and bigger and bigger.

He brings his elbows down. They slam on the keys. The noise is far from pleasant. He covers his eyes with his hands and lets the tears come, heaves a choked sob that swells in his chest and reins down on his body. 

“I love you, Aws…” He cries. “I’m so sorry…”

“Geoff?”

Everything seems to come to a halt at that moment. Time doesn’t feel real. His heart is racing. He feels cold. There’s ice in his veins. The feeling is crawling up his body. Sweat is beginning to collect on his forehead. 

He lifts his head and turns around.

Awsten looks as bad as he feels. He’s pale, accentuated by the dark purple bruises beneath both eyes. His eyes are bloodshot. His hair is messy, the roots growing out, brown mixing with purple. He’s draped himself in a huge sweatshirt that hangs off his body. 

Geoff slides off the bench and takes a tentative step forward. They meet in the middle, halfway between the entrance to the piano section and Awsten’s piano. Geoff rakes a hand through his hair and rubs at the back of his neck. “I, um, hi.”

“Hi, Geoff,” Awsten says. His voice is soft. He’s fidgeting with his fingers, pressing the ones of his right hand into his left wrist. “How- how’ve you been?”

“I, um, it’s been, um, good. What about you?”

Awsten looks down at his wrist and then back up with a small smile. “I’ve been better.”

“Are you- are you okay?” 

“Not really.” Awsten turns his gaze away and Geoff swallows. The knot throbs. His stomach churns. His hands are shaking and his heart is racing. He feels the drops of sweat dribble down his forehead and cling to his neck.

“You know what?” He mutters. “No. It hasn’t been good. It’s been the worst two weeks of my life. This is the first time I’ve left the apartment. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I can’t _live_ , Aws. And I’ve tried, I’ve tried _so hard_ , to be okay, to keep going, because if I didn’t really love you it wouldn’t be hard, would it? You not being home when I get off work and not being there to cuddle after a bad day wouldn’t have been a big deal, right? But it is and I miss you so much it _hurts_ , every day, all the time, and I just, I _hate_ myself. I wake up hating myself and I don’t _want_ to eat or drink or go anywhere because I don’t _deserve_ it, because you were the best thing that ever happened to me and I let you go, I didn’t make you feel like that, I fucked this up, I fucked _us_ up.” The words tumble out in a rush and he’s panting and it’s suddenly very hard to breathe but he can’t stop he has more to say he needs to tell Awsten everything Awsten needs to know. 

“I _love_ you,” he chokes out. “You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I love you so much and I _know_ I didn’t say it much before but my parents never really told me they loved me they just assumed I knew so I’m not used to this I thought you knew but you didn’t and I am so sorry I ever made you feel like you didn’t matter because you _do_ you matter so much you’re my whole world and I just,” he hiccups. “I love you I love you I _love_ you.”

Awsten doesn’t speak immediately after. He keeps staring down at his wrist. When he finally looks up his eyes are shiny and his lip is quivering. “I thought being away from you would help. I thought it’d help me love myself and take care of myself and I could find someone who loved me as much as I loved them and it’d all be okay.”

“Aws, I-”

“I tried to kill myself, Geoff,” Awsten says quietly. He rolls up his sleeve and holds his arm out. 

There’s a long scar running from the base of his palm all the way down to his elbow. Black thread is woven between, holding the skin together. Geoff feels the breath leave his body, stares, speechless. He opens his mouth but no words come out. Awsten pulls his sleeve back down and takes a step forward. There are inches between them. 

It doesn’t feel like they’re worlds apart anymore.

“I thought what I needed was to be away from you,” Awsten says. “I thought it would help me love myself. But I…I missed you too much. You weren’t loving and I thought you didn’t care but loving you made me feel needed and _wanted_ on days when I thought the world didn’t need me. And after I left…I didn’t have that keeping me here. I didn’t have anything keeping me here.”

“ _Awsten_ ,” Geoff gasps. He lurches forward and grabs him, wraps his arms around Awsten’s torso and pulls him in, buries his face in Awsten’s neck and _breathes_.

It’s like coming up for fresh air.

“I love you,” he whispers the words into Awsten’s skin, holds him tighter, curls him closer, and _breathes_. “I love you I love you I love you. You make me happy you make me light and airy and the world feels brighter and everything is _better_. You make life worth living you make the world a prettier place, you make me feel like it’s all going to be _okay_. And if you give me one more chance I promise I’ll do that for you, I’ll get better at showing my love I’ll work on it I’ll be better you make me want to be better.”

“Geoff-”

“I’ve never said it,” Geoff continues. “But I’ve had a lot of time to think about it. I love your smile and your laugh and your sarcasm and your jokes and how good you are at cooking and your taste in TV and your _music_ , god baby, that’s my favorite thing. You are so talented and your songs are so beautiful and I just,” he _breathes_. “This is everything I didn’t say. Everything I’ve ever wanted to.”

“Well, you’ve got all the time in the world to say it.”

“Are you- is this-”

Awsten kisses him.

He breathes.


End file.
